Here's To You, Sexy
by SofaKing
Summary: [CHAPTER FOUR IS UP] I'll be there for you every morning, 'cause I love you. A morning's exursion... I'm physically scared... Or scarred... Or both.
1. Here's to You, Sexy

**Author:** SofaKing

**Disclaimer:** I won't say anything, for fear revealing my secret identity. Oh, shit.

**Summary:** "I'll be there for you every morning, 'cause I love you." A morning's excursion...

**Rating:** PG(-13, high)

**Couple: **It's a secret!

**Genre: **Humor/Romance, standalone

**Title:** **"Here's To You, Sexy"**

**Feedback: **You're opinion matters, really. Just not to me. Feel free, regardless.

**A/N: **Truly, truly sorry for this. I never expect you to read my work ever again, that's WAY too high of an expectation.

The morning is a beautiful time.

The way the gleaming sun accents my hair and features, the morning is almost as beautiful as I am.

But it can't _really_ compare.

To expect it to is just, well, mean.

It's a long walk, to where I'm going, but for what the wait and walk are worth, it's less than a fraction of the cost that I should have to pay. There is a red carpet that should be placed out in front of my feet, there should be no dust on the floor. Not to sound conceited, but I think that everything around me should look as perfect as I do. And I know it's not right for someone so graceful as me to snort, but at that, I just did.

Me.

Conceited.

Ha! Oh, and there I just did it again, really, I _do _need to stop that. I'll become (only seemingly for a short period of time), dare I say it, unattractive.

Though I do doubt that anything so atrocious should happen to a being like myself, so high that, yes, I could nearly be God. And while I can't say I'll do as good a job as Him, I'd at least make Him look better to His fans, assuming He should still have any by now, wrinkled be His skin and His hair being so wiry and gray!

But, given the chance, I'm not sure I would accept.

Be God? How would that look for me, I mean 'cause then God would be me, right?

I couldn't do that to myself.

This carpet really is itchy. I need better socks.

I've almost reached my destination, when I realize...

I haven't brushed my teeth, or my hair, or cleansed my face, or gotten properly dressed. So I head back to my dresser, first.

Satin robe... No. Velvet robe... No. What to wear, what to wear? The most pressing matters of life. I finally throw on a golden silk robe.

Next, off to the bathroom.

Once I'm there, I immediately turn the mirror the other way and then brush my hair 'till it's as soft as my robe. Then I find my toothbrush and plop lethal amounts of toothpaste on it, enough for one to choke on, but teeth could never be too white. I pull out my beautiful, sleek, mahogany wand and charm the toothbrush into doing the work.

If the toothbrush were alive, I wouldn't need a wand to charm it.

Next I pulled out my forty-three-and-a-half container collection of facial creams and cleansers.

My skin is so nice, really, and I wouldn't need to do this, but my skin couldn't be too soft if it fell off my face as a liquid.

And my new diet is working out so well that I could probably walk on water. No wonder I know Jesus, though I hear he's going by Hey-suess these days. God I am so perfect.

Now I can continue along on my journey.

The journey hasn't gotten any shorter, though it may seem so for how long it's taken, and I must admit that I do think it would be fitting to have gotten closer over time.

My fans are waiting for me, but I have to get to my destination before they can see me.

My favorite place in the world, where the one I love rests waiting to see me again, like every morning.

I'm almost there, in my veiw lies my favorite person, place, _anything_ in the world.

I knew that it needed me, too, so I assured it.

"I'll be there for you every morning, 'cause I love you."

And it was true, I do.

The shiny, hard surface reflected my beauty.

The only thing worthy of me.

Of course the only beauty that compares to mine is mirror that I am in.

What else would be?

I peck on a corner of my mirror and it says to me.

"I love you, too."

**Summary, con't: **... To the mirror.

_**FIN**_


	2. He Who Went To Beauxbatons

**Author:** SofaKing

**Disclaimer:** I've gone further than not owning just Harry Potter, I also don't own "Mirror, Mirror, How amazing is my figure?" And anyone who doesn't know who it's from sucks and doesn't deserve to know that it's from From First To Last. I don't own J.K. Rowling, either.

**Summary:** "I'll be there for you every morning, 'cause I love you." A morning's excursion...

**Rating:** PG(-13, high)

**Couple: **For those who have been waiting... Wait a little bit longer... Wait for it... **Wait for it**... GILDEROY LOCKHART / GILDEROY LOCKHART! Not one person guessed that...

**Genre: **Humor/Romance

**Title:** **"Here's To You, Sexy"**

**Feedback: **I've changed my mind. I like your opinion. It's nice.

**A/N: **I'm surprised, and I hadn't planned on continuing, but I've made this due to request. And Susan Bones being a Slash fan is an indirect reference to something by Trephine Lady, but I doubt it will ever be published or made public anywhere or in any way.

**He-Who-Went-to-Beauxbatons**

I sighed.

How long had we been together?

It's just... So tragic.

I'm sobbing and tearing and I can't stop.

We... Can never be together again. I can only hold the shards of what we once had, only see these broken pieces.

Yes, that's right, kiddies...

I can never ask my one love _that_ question. Never let (her/it/him) know how much I love (her/it/him).

Anyone who's wondering, _what is _that_ question?_

Well, it's special. It's something you could only ask someone if you have a special bond, a connection with.

"Mirror, Mirror, How amazing is my figure?"

Do you want to hear the story?

Well, I was teaching class...

I can't even begin the story without my voice cracking, that's how bad it was.

Those students were "just playing," or so they claim, but I resent them for tearing me from my love.

Right now I am mourning by looking at my reflection in the lake.

But I can't see very much, as I've been here for a couple of hours and it's really, really dark now.

I think I'll think of a thoughtful poem.

_Those damn kids broke my mirror,_

_I could have killed them with my leer._

_I gave them detention with Snape for a fortnight,_

_Because I knew what they did was very not right,_

_And if anyone else had seen them, what a sight,_

_They ran, before I could get their names, with all of their might._

I can't concentrate on my poem with all that rustling beside me in that shrub.

God, some people are just so inconsiderate, they won't even leave me alone to grieve, because _everybody_ **must** have my autograph.

Sometimes being a heartthrob just isn't worth it.

Who the hell am I kidding? It's _awesome_!

What is this kid _wearing_? Doesn't he know that it's not cool to dress up like a Death Eater?

Oh, wait...

Shit.

"Hey, I don't like being abducted by Death Eaters." I state in a way that I hope makes me sound powerful.

The Death Eater is looking at me funny, and so I assume that that didn't work out so well.

He grabbed me and dragged me to a portkey -- a book called Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody -- and we were immediately moved to...

About three feet away, where they were holding a Death Eater convention.

I could have gotten away, of course, I just didn't try.

Anywhooo, the Dark Lord was addressing several other "guests," like myself.

"So, Rowling, we meet again. Very formidable, you are, but I am more powerful! Now tell me everything you know about Harry Potter!"

The circle of Death Eaters held her, to prevent attack on their Lord or possible escape.

"Well, I can't tell you anything, but feel free to buy my popular book series, _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, the Chamber of Secrets, the Prisoner of Azkaban, the Goblet of Fire, the Order of the Phoenix, the Half-Blood Prince, _and _Book Seven_."

Grumbling, You-Know-Who ordered the others to "throw her in the dungeon." The earth split in two, and Mrs. Rowling was sent to what I assumed was "the dungeon." However, I highly doubt that it actually was a dungeon.

I mean, it could have been anything.

It could have been, I dunno, just a hollow of the earth.

And, y'know, it could have just been a dungeon.

Susan Bones was now being questioned.

"I don't know much about Harry, but I know he's not gay. I _can_ tell you about Blaise Zabini and Zacharias Smith, they have really juicy love lives. They've been meeting in the library for about two years, three months, eleven days, twelve hours, and thirteen minutes. I hear they're about to go public!"

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named looked at her funny, a little bit like that Death Eater looked at me, and flicked his wrist at his servants.

She giggled all the way down to where ever it was that they all go ('cause it _might_ not be a dungeon.)

"Lockhart, you beautiful idiot... What do you know about Harry Potter?"

I was greatly offended and only a little bit complimented.

I already knew I was beautiful, but what's this about_ idiot_?

That was a scandal!

"I'll never break! I'll never tell you!" I exclaimed, only to hear a few snickers around me. My great opposition went unappreciated. I was hurt.

And then I was hurt even more, but this time physically as I was dropped into what turned out to be an actual dungeon.

Huh.

Go figure.

**A/N:** Surprised? Offended? Hurt? Mentally wounded? Got your IQ to drop by at least ten? Great! Please review, because I'll love you even more than I don't right now!

**anonymous- **no... But that would be funny to see.

**aBLONDERhErMiOnE- **no, silly, Malfoys not in love with himself! He's in love with... Well, his mirror, but also Ginny!

**hillary- **hells yes it is the "funnyest" story you've ever read. I'm so mean! SOOOOOOOOOOORRYYYY! I love you anyway, you handsome sex-pot, you.

**Trephine-Lady- **moron.

**QueenOfWands- **now are you sure that you wanted me to continue?

**Nikki Flinn-** thank you and update your story more! It's great!

**Potata Couch- **the yeahness of you is always right, so I guess we can just pretend it's Harry!

**Derek Rain- **now you don't have to worry about liking a standalone! You just have to worry about liking _this_ story.

**Socra-** I would never be mean to Draco! Okay, maybe sometimes, and a little bit... But not like that!


	3. Can I Break, Yet?

**Author:** SofaKing

**Disclaimer:** In the words of Eisley "I'm just like you, I know you know." So, unless you're J.K. Rowling, I don't own you.

**Summary:** "I'll be there for you every morning, 'cause I love you." A morning's excursion... To the mirror.

**Rating:** PG-13

**Couple: **Gilderoy Lockhart / Gilderoy Lockhart / (suggested) Voldemort

**Genre: **Humor/Romance

**Title:** **"Here's To You, Sexy"**

**Feedback: **Give me your opinion and I'll keep it forever and I'll cherish it! Even if it's not nice, in which case I will keep it forever and cherish it but I will pretend like I lost it.

**A/N: **Yes, the whole "wandless legimancy? Legilimency? LegililililililimAEncy?" thing _was _a way to put aside how I don't know how to spell that.

I'm alive! Just wanted you to know.

**Can I Break Yet?**

So, the dungeon that was a dungeon, in detail.

It was dark, dank, and most definately a dungeon.

I'm stuck in a cell with Jo and Susan (we're friends, as they both know a lot about me. Kinda disturbing, because Susan only seems to know about homosexuals...).

There's nothing around me, other than them and the guards (two pompous Death Eaters), and this dog, Snuffles.

Really cute, actually (or "KYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!" in Susan's words).

Nothing else -- oh, wait, we got our first guest.

"SQUEAL!" Susan proclaimed (yes, that's right, she didn't squeal, merely proclaimed), "ZACHARIAS!"

Kind of odd, that she'd have spoken of him as if he weren't there a couple of minutes ago, but he'd been standing right next to her.

She immediately flung herself onto him, on her knees, and arms around his waist.

We spoke for awhile, about me, and nothing, and me.

I was shoked and offended!

Zacharias didn't know_ anything_ about me! He was in my class, it was required reading!

I scoffed in the corner untill our next guest came in.

Oddly enough, I'd never pinned the Dark Lord as the kind of person to hold himself as a hostage.

Jo squealed (yes, actually, damn normal bint) and snaked her arms around his neck.

"Voldie, my BABY!"

I gasped, not at the shocking display, but in mock horror (teehee, I'm a DRAMA QUEEN!). "The Dark Lord! What are _you_ doing in your own dungeon?"

He nonchalantly flicked his wrist at me (oooh, Blaise joined us!) and replied, "it was an accident. And please, call me Voldie, I'm quiet fond of it, Roy."

_Roy?_ Where did that come from?

There's no "Roy" in my name!

Oh, wait...

Gilde - Roy, Lockhart.

Sorry, I was just thinking of "Lockhart."

I gave him my best impression of the look Death Eaters often give people who they think are crazy -- or, now that I think about it, maybe it was the same Death Eater and none of the others do that -- but that probably didn't turn out well...

'Cause he gave me a look identical to the others, who I decided _were_ two different people, and I also decided that it was probably a "dark side" thing.

I really should learn that.

I could do that to my friends and then they'd think I'm so cool -- oh, wait, they already do! -- and my students would love me -- _more!_ -- and I could sell a book about something I can actually do!

I'm so excited!

Or, rather, I was.

Before I realized there were more pressing matters. And while a little voice in the back of my head kindly reminded me _more important than your looks? I think not! _I purposely ignore the distinct voice and stared at Voldemort, who was giving me the look tenfold.

I guess what I was thinking was reflected on my face.

Wow, the Dark Lord has great empathy!

Or, y'know, maybe wandless legimancy? Legilimency? LegililililililimAEncy? I dunno how to pronounce that...

I think Snape can do that.

He's soooo cool and cold and eeewww he needs to wash his hair!

Anywhooo, "Voldie" was once again looking at me funny and I decided that until I could do that, I'd settle for smiling my oh-so-kick-ass-charm-your-pants-off(literally) grin.

He_ giggled_ and threw himself away from Jo (who scowled defiantly), jumping on me.

"Teehee, can I have your autograph?"

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that this is really the Dark Lord, _the_ Voldemort, the one who killed Harry's parents and nearly Harry himself.

Aww, well, I don't like Potter much anyway.

"I _didn't_ kill **anyone**!" Voldie proclaimed poutilly.

It was, actually, kind of cute, and I no longer blame Jo for her odd tastes.

Then it hit me. Did he just...?

WANDLESS WHATEVER-THE-HELL-IT-IS!

"What do you mean?"

Voldie looked guiltily around to see the look on Jo's face.

"Okay, so maybe _a little bit_..."

Jo went over to pat his head. "Good boy!"

_Good boy? _We are cleary dealing with a madman.

Woman.

Whatever.

**A/N: **Confused much? I didn't mean to make this one this short, but I just had a really, really wierd day and I wanted to finish this chapter _really soon!_

**Hillary- **You've long since started to annoy me. But I'll ever forever love you! Wierd that that makes sense, isn't it? "Ever forever." "Ever forever." "Ever forever," "Ever forever." "Ever forever.""Ever forever.""Ever forever.""Ever forever.""Ever forever.""Ever forever.""Ever forever." Just goes to show how bored I am.

**Queen of Wands - **We-he-hell. Hell. Hell. Interesting. You're crazy, lady!

**Trephine-Lady- **I know where to murder you from! For no apparent reason, but... You remember, right?

**erickackacka - **you is a loozer, me need talk stoopid to you. Okie facey day? Just kidding, I'll pretend like I love you!

So little reviews! Unloved is feeling me!


	4. We he hell Hell Hell

NOW you can all kill me.

**Author:** SofaKing

**Disclaimer:** We've been over this. J.K., mine, you, yours. Now stay on your side of the room!

**Summary:** "I'll be there for you every morning, 'cause I love you." A morning's excursion... To the mirror.

**Rating:** PG-13

**Couple: **Gilderoy Lockhart / Gilderoy Lockhart / (suggested... or is it?) Voldemort, Blaise / Zacharias, Malcom Baddock / Har-My-1(Harry and Hermione).

**Genre: **Humor/Romance

**Title:** **"Here's To You, Sexy"**

**Feedback: **So long as you don't talk about the story, it's kind of a sore spot for me. How about this weather? Isn't it just craptacular?

**A/N: **This chapter is dedicated to both QoW, and the response to the review of QoW! Oh, dear lord, I'm sorry. I've accidently spilled my personal jokes all over this fic! Aw, well. You probably wouldn't have understood it anyway.

**Well. We-Heh-Hell. Hell. Hell. Heehee.**

In the past hour I've learned-

Jo has an evil laugh.

Voldemort may be very, _very_ gay, and most probably Jewish.

Susan is bi, but only so that she can attract bi men so that if they ever "get together" (as she so midly put it) she could simply sit back and watch him and another guy.

Zacharias was indeed trying to get Blaise to come out with him, but Blaise is dead afraid.

Zacharias was dating a man that was half alive, half dead, because Blaise's being "**dead** afraid" had greatly effected him. The only reason Zacharias agreed to stay in the oh-so-comfortable wardrobe (which we, he and I, liked to call it. The only thing we've ever had in common.)

I have something in common with Zacharias Smith. Shiver.

Malcolm Baddock (who joined us) has been swooning over Harry-- err, _HERMIONE_ for about a year now.

I now know more than I ever wanted to know in my entire life.

Not that they stopped, there of course.

I have a major backache from being jumped on by Voldie while he was sporting a very nice Jo. Several times. In the last fifteen seconds.

So, I've decided to make a habit of staying in corners or with my back to the wall. I've been sitting here, looking around anxiously for a while, when SUDDENLY... Susan comes and sits by me. Okay, so I made it a _little _too dramatic. So?

She was humming and -- where'd she get that paper? Gracing the grain-white was a vast amount of colors that I could only assume was supposed to be Zacharias and Blaise skipping along the beach. Or a meadow. It's like, all sky-green! I can't tell! This had made me ponder : Was my golden silk robe _really _golden? Or silk? Oh, wait... Sorry. I, uhh, sometimes get my senses mixed up.

Yes, nevermind me. I'm just the insane guy in the corner.

Anyway, moving on... Pretending like Jo's hand isn't up Voldie's robes... And like he isn't moaning my name... I think I want to start a "Suicide Club" now. Do you think they'd let me do that?

Because, y'know, it could take a while to think of a way to kill yourself, what with not being able Avada Kedavra yourself...

Maybe I should keep this a secret? What? What? I didn't say anything! So, uh, you seen that new video where Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape kill me? Pretty good, huh?

Yeee-up.

To be honest, I don't think that it was possible, at _all_, for me to have any idea what I was saying as I ramble on like I'm doing and have been doing for (insert random amount of time here) before this whole _Oh-I-was-kidnapped-by-deatheaters-oh-pissing-and-moaning-I'm-so-whino! _incident.

Actually. Nevermind. I still don't understand me.

"Hey, uh, Roy?"

Hmm? What is it, me?

"Roy!"

Yes! I'm right here! What do you want?

"Jo, he isn't listening to me!" Voldie whined from behind me. Oops. I guess that wasn't me...

"Oh, uh... Yeeeah. Sooorry about that, I kinda thought you were... Me."

Well, I officially think I'm insane. And the smiles I'm getting from every single person neither reassure me, nor make me think otherwise about them.

Crap. This kinda sucks. "So... What were you saying?"

"Oh!" He exclaimed. "I'd nearly forgotten. Well, umm... Could you rub my back?"

Yup. This really sucks.

**A/N: **Wow. Uh. I don't even really know what to say. Sorry it's short... And it took long... And a sad excuse for a chapter. Really, this is just a filler chapter. Because in the _next _chapter, the "plot" (and by plot I mean random insane babbling) thickens. And there's a special guest involved... You'll never guess who! Or something... Well, you definately won't guess who if you don't guess at all, so let's just leave it there, okay?

**Lucky Koriand'r- **I kinda just want to tell you that you suck. But I love you too much for that!

**Trephine-Lady- **Yup. Exactly.

**Nikki Flinn- **:P Thanks! Don't really know what to say to that... Hmmm... How 'bout cheese?

**Erickackacka- **Alright. Fr-eak. Y.

**Itsourtimetoshine- **That's nice. Why don't you tell someone who cares?

**QoW- **XD See? Sure showed you. This story has no value! Regardless, thanks for supporting me.


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